"Of Course She Is"

Well. I thought everything was going rather smoothly. my mom talked to my dad and he has been laying of me for the week. This earlier this morning was rather pleasant, I woke to the sound of the garage door closing...so that means that actually went to church without me. Great! More sleep. Plus maybe they understand that I don't know where I am at spiritually. Then later this morning I over hear my sister tell my stepmom that I am going out to eat with them....and i heard, "Of course she is." It wasn't the loving...well yeah we wouldn't want it any other way...nope. It was the of course she will mooch off us and get a free meal when she can type of thing. After that I decided not to go...Why? Because I am tired of participating with a family who could give a shit about what I can hear them say and what I feel. Now I can't wait to move home. Only a little less than three months and I am outta here! I will take my last final on Thursday and get the HELL outta here. I am not saying that once I get home it will be easy street, but I will be happy to get back into my Routine. I don't think that my dad and I will have much of a relationship after I move, he got his chance when I moved here and he hasn't done anything with it. So it will really suck for him because he is paying for a college education for a daughter he never got to know because of his mistakes.

Negativity and tears.

I hate it here. This seems to be the current theme in my blogs.

I have been crying all morning because I can't be myself here, my dad tries to use negative re-enforcement to get me to d the things he wants, and I am being pressured to conform and be a person that I don't want to be. I have no freedom here, none whatsoever. I have the freedom to go to school and come back to the house. I don't call it home because it doesn't feel like one.

I called my mom sobbing today. She talked to me as long as she could because she had to work. I am hoping that she sees I am truly hurting and suffering here. I just want to come home, and I really want to go to Columbia for the Spring Semester. I fell like I can't concentrate on my school work here because I have to do all the tings my family wants me to do here first. I can't concentrate at school because I miss my home, my friends, my mom, and most of all I miss the person who means more to me than anything on this earth.

If I could go back to Sonora I would make sure to finish get my AA in the two years and still transfer. I think by that time I will be ready to go on and move to Sonoma. maybe I can talk to my mom, I think that she will see where I am coming from. I just can't live here, I can't. I need more in my life than negativity and tears.

argh.

So I had a really bad back spasm today. It still hurts and i did it at 2 something or other. This happened before..excpet i was in London..trying on pants...slightly awkward.

Even though I haven't been in Sacrameto for a month yet, I have pretty much decided that I don't like it here. I think that once i get my AA and transfer to a CSU I am NOT going to Sac State. I really don't want to spend more time here than need be. I am not saying that Sacramento is a bad place or people that like it here are dumb for doing so. I just don't like it here because I love where I come from. I like seeing natural trees and actual wilderness. So right now I may be looking at Sonoma State. I love that area alot, especially Sebastopol, Monte Rio, and Guerneville. They are all small towns and extremely beautiful.


I found out a few days ago my dad is not going to help me with Culinary school. This sucks because I was hoping for some help financially. So it looks like I am going to be in debt up to my eyeballs. What really stings is that my dad is paying for all of my sister's schooling, and i don't just mean college. He is already paying tuition for her school...catholic elementary school, he is going to pay for he high school....All girls Catholic high school, and they have to pay for all their books, and he will also pay for all her college education. Now i am hoping I am not being selfish but.....does 4=17 years? I don't think so....and it's all because I want to follow my dreams instead of his.

Trying to live

So since my last post I have come to find that not much has changed. I am now going to Consumnes River and things haven't found themselves to be much better. This house still doesn't feel like home and my family still doesn't care.

I have been trying to find positive things to make things better but I haven't come up with much.

I always have that alone in a crowded room feeling. The only real feeling I got these past few weeks here was when I got to go home. People would say that I am not trying, but really I am. I have tried to connect with my Dad, but nothing ever seems to come from. I now just resent everything and wish for any kind of normality. I guess that sometimes I just feel that everyone has gotten so wrapped up in their own problems that they forget to see those who may be suffering around them. Some may say this is hypocritical of me, but in fact i have been trying to lend an ear or helpful hand to those that I think need it. In the past week I have offered advice or just an ear to listen to whatever has been going on in their lives.

Here I just feel unappreciated. I do things here that are small and minuscule but I received no word of thank or even acknowledgement for any of it. Not that i do certain things to get praise, but maybe once in a while a little note of thanks could be offered.

It's not that I need to meet friends in order to be happy here. I think that I need for my house here to fell like a home. I need to feel that I am actually wanted here. Most of the time I feel like I am a burden on my family, something they just have to put up with. Sometimes I feel like I am a burden on more people, like those I love. Maybe not, I may never know for sure.

Sometimes I feel like I may never make it out alive.