A weird day

Wow..today...that's just it wow. So today I get up on time..I know..amazing. So I get up and do my normal routine...then I remembered that I have to put my belly dance make-up on for photography...score! i love my belly dance make-up..it make me feel like a diffrernt person..like I can do anything. So I eaat a good home cooked breakfast..another weird occurance. So of to school....walking into the band room was as awkward as i thought it would be...sweet! Although trying to scamper off to photograpy unnoticed didn't happen. So I change into my costume..get all perdy-ed up. The photo session was fun!!! I like to pretend that I am someone important when I wear my belly dance stuff..it's a real esteem booster...haha just kidding. I go through the rest of the school day (with the make-up mind you)...with stupid uneducated people asking me:


Stupid person: "what's that thing on your forehead?"
Me: "It's a bindi...a hindu tradition...and we wear them for belly dancing...."


All the while I am thing...DUMBASS! didn't you take world history in like 6th grade? How fucking dumb do you feel...you abercrombie-wearing, bleached-blonde, son of a fucking bitch! However, being the smarter person..and knnowing it...I smiled and nodded.


Later I called brandi to see if I could come over to practice....I got kevin on the hone again..I feel bad everytime he answers, I always need to talk to brandi...ooops. Anyway..she said yes so.ther was the rest of my day planned...score.


After school..i called my mom to tell i need to go over to brandi's but she said no..she has better things than to take to mymentor's house for my Fucking Senior Exit project...FUCK!!! So then I call Shorty and we went to Camachos for Burritos...yum :) Then my mom calls me to tell me she bought a pizza...Double Fuck! Fine, whatever....I don't care. Oh well..I have myself a pleasent drink...lovely music...and got some compliments today..yay! There' only one thing that could make my day even tht much better...but I can't have my ckae and it too.....wait..hold on I have lemon cake so...umm...you can't always win..there that works better!




All My Love,
Melissa

You Don't Wear My Chains...

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...

Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,

This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care,

She said

You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across

An open field,When flowers gaze at you...

they're not the only ones who cry

When they see you

You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care,

She said

You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

She said I think I'll go to Boston...

I think I'll start a new life,

I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,

I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,

I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...

I think I'll go to Boston,

I think that I'm just tired

I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...

I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,

I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice...

Boston... where no one knows my name...

-"Boston" by Augustana

Well, it's been a quiet few days....well excpet for the state of melancholy...there is something I want..I feel like I need...but for some reason...I feel like it's not within grasp. For a split second it was...it was pretty much in my lap...actually it was...quite litterally. I couldn't act on it..because apparently I do have morals...and I actually care for those around me...so I couldn't do the very thing i have wanted to do since 9th grade. Damn, am I that pathetic? Seriously I need to get out of this town and make something new of myself...but I know one person can hold me back if he wants to. He may not do it intentionally...but after I graduate..if he asks me to stay for some reason or another....I will be so torn. I need to change myself in a whole new way. Living here is not going to help because I will fall into the same pitfall. I love my friends here, but I need something more than I am getting.

In July I am moving to Sacramento. End of my life here. Sacramento will be my Boston....

There are few things left for me here...one thing I don't if I will ever have it....more like him.

However, I am looking forward to working with Brandi on my fire dancing. It's the one thing right now that gives me slight happiness....god sometimes I feel like what I am writing is emo...but I'm not honestly.

I have figured out this year that no matter who you give your heart to....you will always have a piece of it for yourself. after some relationships..that person will hand you back some of your heart..other will throw the rest of what came out of the emotional blender on your face. we all have to deal. Then there are times when you sit with your heart in your hands looking up into the grey sky ready for something more...and nothing but a plastic bag sweeps by you on the ground. my grey sky gets darker and rain is falling on my heart...but there is nothing I can cover it with. At least not today.

All My Love,
Melissa

This thing I call life...

So..wow it's been a crazy year so far. I don't know what quite to do with myself. I have gone through so much emotionally within this year period. last november all I was concerned about was working enough to get everyone I could christmas gifts. Now...I don't have as many people to buy for..it's weird. I have dwindled my friends down to a small few that I actually care about. Belly dancing is one new passion in my life, I love it. i love the people i dance....the whole thing is just amazing! I recently came into contact with a friend that I had lost touch with for over a year. How things hae changed...for both of us. it seems as if we have both matured in diffrent ways. I think that now I am more of myself than I have ever been in my entire life. it's just a shame that it took two major heartbreaks, a loss of something precious, and a complete overhaul on this thing I call my life. To be able to find myself it took a huge crash of everything for things to finally click. The only thing is with this person I just came into contact with has me going tback to my old self and falling into habit. At this point i still am unsure and unable to function normally...hopefully this small slip will help the climb proceed with more vigor.


All My Love,
Melissa