People suprise me.

It's true they do....all the time.

So today as I am waiting for my statistics class to begin I was waiting outside the classroom in the cold. A guy in my class walked up to me and we started talking about the project we were to turn in...then out of nowhere he asked if I was wearing my flower in my hair today. He couldn't tell because as it was freeeeeezing cold and my hoods were up. I was stunned. Someone who saw me only a few times a week for a few weeks noticed that I have a pattern, and noticed a change in that pattern. A few may say that it seems like he may have a romantic interest, but I don't think so. It would not matter anyway because I wouldn't act on it.

The fact is that people who only know you by face from class can notice the tiniest things, yet the people who spend time and precious moments with you never notice. I have noticed that if you are around the same person subtle changes in behavior or habit go unnoticed. A different hairstyle, new clothes, just something small....goes unnoticed by those we care for most. It hurts to make these small changes and have no effect on those we care for. I know it is for me at least. There are reasons for small things...they shouldn't go unnoticed. There is a reason why I wear my hair down today, instead of putting it up. Or there is a reason why I did my make-up, or shaved my legs, or wore the shirt you like, maybe if to just get a little attention.

Humans need some form of attention, they can live without compliments. Many say they do not care what people think of them, and to a certain degree that can be true. Though why do we buy new clothes when the old ones will do just fine? Why do we extend ourselves if it is beyond our means. We do them because deep down we all want to be accepted. Whether it be from family or a new group of friends, everyone wants to feel like they belong. With seeking for this acceptance especially from new friends or old, we cannot forget those who have been there. The people who have already accepted you. We cannot forget the people you can rely on. We tend to push away the people who care for us. We feel that if they accept us already why keep trying...but that is just it. You have to keep trying because if you are not there for those people who have been good to us, they will no longer be there for you. Human nature compels us to want acceptance from the people we care about, but if they do not care....should we care for them anymore. I have been dealing with these inner thoughts fro sometime, for one reason or another.

Please if anyone reads this let me know you thoughts on this.

So high school....

Wow...it amazes me how little people change from high school. As I was out side eating my lunch today some girl I knew from elementary school said I look like a twelve year old. I am guessing it's due to the fact that I have my hair in braided pigtails....ooo...big deal. She had to only be about 100 ft from me....but I could here due to the fact that she yelled it. So what if I wear pigtails? it is easy to do in the morning. It really sickens me how people still have to judge fashion and whatever after high school. I have known this gril for awhile and she has always been quite judgmental. You would think that after high school petty things like that would drift away as we mature. I believe that it doesn't matter how old someone is....their mannerisms won't change and sometimes their maturity won't either.

in other news....
I actually made it through a meal without gagging! yippee!!! I have been a wreck since the break up, but I am getting better. I am taking it better than I thought I would. Granted that means I haven't been crying my self to sleep...maybe because I don't sleep. I still have the hope that the both of us can better ourselves and make it work. I have been less outwardly emotional..which for me is quite amazing. That is what we decided I need to work on...I say we because He brought it up...and I realize that I needed to change...not for him. For me.
My greatest fear right now, is that he will change so much that I don't factor in anymore. I would like to try things again, because in my heart I feel like there is a glimmer of hope...and I feel that things between us aren't over yet. I hope that he realizes that I am getting better and we can work it all out. I would hate to see things end. I realized that I don't want anyone else. In other break-ups, I could imagine myself with someone else. I can't know. I can't see myself going n a date with anyone else, I can't see kissing anyone else. There is no one else. That may seem naive, but with everything that I want in life, I can't see it with anyone else but him.

I don't even know how he is feeling about everything right now. I want to ask him, I want to know. Though I think it's too early to ask him. He stopped by last night to pick something up, and we had a light chat. I told him that I still love him, because I do. But he wouldn't let me kiss him. I was a little hurt, but I understand. The only thing I am wondering is why he stopped by at 11 at night, when I could have just given him the glass on Friday? He did say he was going to get food, and could stop by....maybe that is all it was. Secretly I wish it was because he wanted to see me. Though I may never know. I hope we can get the chance to talk on Friday about stuff because I would like to know whether I should keeping on hoping. Considering we'll be busy Friday, due to the Blue Man Group concert, it may not happen until later. I am really just trying to be a better person for myself in this time.

I just hope he knows that i would never do anything that would jeopardize anything we could have. Drinking the other night might have done that..but I hope he forgives me.

blargh

Ick so I am kept awake by this incessant headache! I can't sleep because I am getting stressed out, and for me that means....tension headaches. great! I think I am just freaking out about biology and my relationship and it's causing all my muscles to tense up and and create a tension headache. i desperately need some sleep i have a bus day a t work tomorrow because of the shoe sale..fun fun fun! What i need right now is some meditation, some time to sleep, and some lovin' i would be set. I think being held for a little while might help.

So. what a whirlwind life can be. With the new year coming...I think i will make some resolutions....even though i said I wasn't going to make any. So here it goes.

• 
  Dance more...I haven't been dancing much..that's gotta change.
• 
  Be more tolerant of people. i have been so cynical lately....
  
• Meditate more. I miss just being.
  
• Don't lose focus of my ultimate goal.
  
• Sing more...I miss belting it out.
  
• Do my hair more...i know it sounds Superficial, but I have gotten lazy lately.
  

I think with some new goals to accomplish and a new optimism i will be able to accpet life as it comes and not fight it.