Rose Petals for Thought

A surely golden opportunity.

2008-12-09T09:52:00.000-08:00

Wow, so this past weekend was amazing. I had the amazing opportunity to do an intensive with Rachel Brice an Ariellah. The whole weekend was pretty amazing! I especially like hanging with Miss Kira Mau!!!

So The whole weekend started on Friday morning with stopping at the Tuckers' for Breakie and coffee...mmmm. The the drive to Sheep Ranch Road to the Q (Querncia). We checked in and got some amaaaaazing chocolates from Brandy! Since check in was an hour before class Kira and I wandered the grounds. Class with Rachel started and we worked really hard. It was a good thing though, get my ass back into shape!! We drilled comboed and danced some more. Lunch was great, provided by the lovely Q'ers. On to Ariellah's class where we drilled, drilled again, and drilled some more. She really worked us hard, but i loved every minute of it!

Every day followed this pattern, but it was a great weekend. I learned some much from both teachers!!! Both teachers have different styles , which is good because we can switch it up learn and new things.

The show was sooo great. Zoe showed up and I just about keeled over! She is so crazy! but i like that.... Everyone did a great job!!! yay!! Especially Thalisha!!! OMG!!! She was was sex on stage!

When Sunday rolled around I was really sad because I really enjoyed dancing with everyone there and being taught by some of greatest belly dance teachers I've had so far! Along with Brandi and the Taleesh. I was neat getting to sit by Rachel at lunch Saturday and Sunday and just chat. She and Ariellah are so down to earth and sweet...and silly....woo! I did have one dork out, star struck moment. Zoe stopped by Ariellah's Saturday class to say hi... yeah...I freaked a little...I'll admit it. I did clam down and chatted with her on Sunday...bitch about economics..ya know the norm :)

I am fortunate enough to have done this and take away a lot that will further my dancing. I noticed last night when I practiced my solo, things felt easier. Even Patrick said that my timing was better and I looked stronger...yay.

All my love,
Melissa

Upper date

2008-04-10T12:11:00.000-07:00

Wow....so it's been way over a month since the last update. Mmkay what's new?
Well, Dave and I have reached our standing point. We are best friends that mean very much to each other. He is still someone i can go to when I need some help, advice, or just someone to vent to. This will be good for the both of us.

In other romantic news, Mr. Patrick and I are officially together. By no means of any person than the two of us. WOOOOOOT! it's kinda soon after the break-up, but if i didn't feel ready i would not have jumped in head first. That is not to say that I didn't test the water first. oh, there was testing...check the pH balance and everything. i feel pretty damn happy. He treats me right, and genuinely cares about how I feel. It's really gooood.

So, one day as i was laying on my yoga mat before class I got a brilliant costume idear. oh yes, this is no frivolous idea that has a shot in the dark to be done. I got the full costume idea and i am running with fabric shears in hand!!! There will be further updates on progress and completion for this baby. Fantastic.

New solo is in the works....yay for Amon Tobin!!! For those of you who haven't seen 21 yet and appreciate Amon Tobin...shame on you. He makes a musical appearance....yay! Anyway new solo for zee new costume!!!!!!

Otherwise no much new....school's boring, family is ok, and dance is progressing rapidly...meeeoow.

All my love,
Melissa

Honesty

2008-03-02T00:28:00.000-08:00

Why is it me, that gets blamed for things beyond my control.
I cannot help that I am nice.
I cannot help that my personality shines so much you are blinded and others can see.
I cannot help that you have not openned.
You blame me, but really you cannot see.

If you read this, you know who you are, ask those people why they do what they do. it may surprise you. Do not blame me. Please. I cannot handle the guilt. When you say things to people, just be honest. You and I know the truth.

Afraid

2008-02-25T22:35:00.000-08:00

I don't know what to feel anymore. I want to feel numb to most things said, because it seems better than feeling the pain of rejection. I shouldn't worry about rejection because I just came out of a relationship...but that doesn't seem to matter. I go without word...without acknowledgement..without any decency of being at least a friend. I shouldn't worry about what he or they think. But I do...because the feeling was never lost it was just forgotten and it re-emerged after some time.

It's not just him but it's them. i feel rejected by those most close to me...like no matter what I do...it's never good enough.

An every day Struggle.

2008-02-01T15:02:00.000-08:00

For my speech class last semester I had to deliver a speech about a social issue. For a week, I went back and forth between subjects to speak about. I thought I should do something silly because I knew many people would be speaking about something serious. After I realized that I could not find sufficient research or resources for this speech topic, I then decided to write about something serious, something I had experience with and overall knowledge about. I thought and thought, and then the idea came to me. Speak about something that is quite touchy, but it is something I know a lot about.

Teen Suicide. The leading factor of teenage suicide is depression. Something I know about first hand. Many people knew I felt sad and lonely when I first moved to Elk Grove, but what many people do not know is that I was not ONLY sad and lonely. I was all out depressed. Every day in August and September seemed to get worse, and I would fall farther and farther each day. Moving to a new place seems cold and unwanting. My family never seemed to care that I spent night crying and feeling a pain worse than anything. In the beginning of the Semester, I did not know anyone and spent much of the time between classes alone. I was quiet in class because I felt as if everyone was judging me. With no one to talk to at home and no one to talk to at school, I felt isolated. The feeling of being alone in a crowded room was magnified ten fold. My only outlet was my boyfriend at the time and my best friend, but they could only help so much. My boyfriend at the time worked full time and odd hours at that. Therefore, when we talked on the phone time was precious. I tried to not talk about how badly I felt because I did not him to feel badly for me. I did how ever have a few breakdowns. I could not help it. My best friend talked to me as much as she could, but with school, homework, and her crazy work schedule, it was hard, and again time was precious.

Further into September and October I was miserable, the occasional trip home to Sonora was not enough to pull me out of the "funk" I was in. Somehow, I think it made me fall deeper. I started questioning, "Why live?" If I am so miserable, why continue to go nowhere? At that point, I knew something was wrong. I could not figure out what it was that made me cry for hours on end. I realized I started detaching myself from family and some friends. It took awhile to figure out what it was that was bothering me. I suffered from depression. During the depression, before the realization, I contemplated suicide. Me, bright, cheery, me considered that life was not worth living. I am glad that I caught the signs before it was too late. The only person I ever told was my boyfriend at the time. He could tell something was wrong, and he helped best he could. I thought he of all people deserved to know.

After I realized I was depressed, I decided that no matter what it took I was going to move back home to Sonora. The fact that I even considered death, scared me and I knew that I needed to pull myself out, and having hope of a better life made the pain less severe. I never told anyone else about my suicidal thoughts because I was afraid they would change their perspective about me. These past months, I have come to realize life is too precious to waste. The slight glimmer of hope helped me to be the person I once was. However, she may not know it, my friend Jilda Lamb was a major influence. She suffered Anorexia nervosa and it made through. I reread her essays about her illness and it somehow it helped me through my depression. After I gave my speech about teen suicide, I thought about Jilda and how she said that writing about her illness helped her make it through to recovery. I decided to write down my story, or rather a summary of it as an ode to her. Or maybe I am writing it so maybe that day when someone I know or maybe not know, suffer depression or suicidal thoughts that possibly this can help them. I still struggle every day with depression, but writing my story helps everyday.

All my love,Melissa

People suprise me.

2008-01-23T13:21:00.000-08:00

It's true they do....all the time.

So today as I am waiting for my statistics class to begin I was waiting outside the classroom in the cold. A guy in my class walked up to me and we started talking about the project we were to turn in...then out of nowhere he asked if I was wearing my flower in my hair today. He couldn't tell because as it was freeeeeezing cold and my hoods were up. I was stunned. Someone who saw me only a few times a week for a few weeks noticed that I have a pattern, and noticed a change in that pattern. A few may say that it seems like he may have a romantic interest, but I don't think so. It would not matter anyway because I wouldn't act on it.

The fact is that people who only know you by face from class can notice the tiniest things, yet the people who spend time and precious moments with you never notice. I have noticed that if you are around the same person subtle changes in behavior or habit go unnoticed. A different hairstyle, new clothes, just something small....goes unnoticed by those we care for most. It hurts to make these small changes and have no effect on those we care for. I know it is for me at least. There are reasons for small things...they shouldn't go unnoticed. There is a reason why I wear my hair down today, instead of putting it up. Or there is a reason why I did my make-up, or shaved my legs, or wore the shirt you like, maybe if to just get a little attention.

Humans need some form of attention, they can live without compliments. Many say they do not care what people think of them, and to a certain degree that can be true. Though why do we buy new clothes when the old ones will do just fine? Why do we extend ourselves if it is beyond our means. We do them because deep down we all want to be accepted. Whether it be from family or a new group of friends, everyone wants to feel like they belong. With seeking for this acceptance especially from new friends or old, we cannot forget those who have been there. The people who have already accepted you. We cannot forget the people you can rely on. We tend to push away the people who care for us. We feel that if they accept us already why keep trying...but that is just it. You have to keep trying because if you are not there for those people who have been good to us, they will no longer be there for you. Human nature compels us to want acceptance from the people we care about, but if they do not care....should we care for them anymore. I have been dealing with these inner thoughts fro sometime, for one reason or another.

Please if anyone reads this let me know you thoughts on this.

So high school....

2008-01-14T13:47:00.000-08:00

Wow...it amazes me how little people change from high school. As I was out side eating my lunch today some girl I knew from elementary school said I look like a twelve year old. I am guessing it's due to the fact that I have my hair in braided pigtails....ooo...big deal. She had to only be about 100 ft from me....but I could here due to the fact that she yelled it. So what if I wear pigtails? it is easy to do in the morning. It really sickens me how people still have to judge fashion and whatever after high school. I have known this gril for awhile and she has always been quite judgmental. You would think that after high school petty things like that would drift away as we mature. I believe that it doesn't matter how old someone is....their mannerisms won't change and sometimes their maturity won't either.

in other news....
I actually made it through a meal without gagging! yippee!!! I have been a wreck since the break up, but I am getting better. I am taking it better than I thought I would. Granted that means I haven't been crying my self to sleep...maybe because I don't sleep. I still have the hope that the both of us can better ourselves and make it work. I have been less outwardly emotional..which for me is quite amazing. That is what we decided I need to work on...I say we because He brought it up...and I realize that I needed to change...not for him. For me.
My greatest fear right now, is that he will change so much that I don't factor in anymore. I would like to try things again, because in my heart I feel like there is a glimmer of hope...and I feel that things between us aren't over yet. I hope that he realizes that I am getting better and we can work it all out. I would hate to see things end. I realized that I don't want anyone else. In other break-ups, I could imagine myself with someone else. I can't know. I can't see myself going n a date with anyone else, I can't see kissing anyone else. There is no one else. That may seem naive, but with everything that I want in life, I can't see it with anyone else but him.

I don't even know how he is feeling about everything right now. I want to ask him, I want to know. Though I think it's too early to ask him. He stopped by last night to pick something up, and we had a light chat. I told him that I still love him, because I do. But he wouldn't let me kiss him. I was a little hurt, but I understand. The only thing I am wondering is why he stopped by at 11 at night, when I could have just given him the glass on Friday? He did say he was going to get food, and could stop by....maybe that is all it was. Secretly I wish it was because he wanted to see me. Though I may never know. I hope we can get the chance to talk on Friday about stuff because I would like to know whether I should keeping on hoping. Considering we'll be busy Friday, due to the Blue Man Group concert, it may not happen until later. I am really just trying to be a better person for myself in this time.

I just hope he knows that i would never do anything that would jeopardize anything we could have. Drinking the other night might have done that..but I hope he forgives me.

blargh

2008-01-09T22:54:00.000-08:00

Ick so I am kept awake by this incessant headache! I can't sleep because I am getting stressed out, and for me that means....tension headaches. great! I think I am just freaking out about biology and my relationship and it's causing all my muscles to tense up and and create a tension headache. i desperately need some sleep i have a bus day a t work tomorrow because of the shoe sale..fun fun fun! What i need right now is some meditation, some time to sleep, and some lovin' i would be set. I think being held for a little while might help.

2008-01-01T16:20:00.000-08:00

So. what a whirlwind life can be. With the new year coming...I think i will make some resolutions....even though i said I wasn't going to make any. So here it goes.

Dance more...I haven't been dancing much..that's gotta change.
Be more tolerant of people. i have been so cynical lately....
Meditate more. I miss just being.
Don't lose focus of my ultimate goal.
Sing more...I miss belting it out.
Do my hair more...i know it sounds Superficial, but I have gotten lazy lately.

I think with some new goals to accomplish and a new optimism i will be able to accpet life as it comes and not fight it.

my two-wheeler

2007-12-20T18:03:00.000-08:00

I just want to be taken seriously. I get treated like an uniformed child by my parents and parents. I don't want to sound like those 18 year olds that say respect me because I'm an adult damn it. Though i do want some respect! Damn it!!!! I have gone through what most 18 year olds haven't. i am not saying treat me like a whole different person, just respect my opinions, let me fall on my face and make my own mistakes. let me experience things on my own. my parents should think that they have raised me to make my own completely sound decisions. if they feel like they need to hold my hand every step of the way, Then apparently they haven't taught me well enough. i am more independent I feel than many kids my age. I have always been the mature one. Having older friends especially matured me faster than more of my peers. having to either play by myself or hangout with adults when I was little has proven this early maturity to be true. I can survive making my own choices without my parents help these days. I'm not saying that i wouldn't need their help once in awhile, but i just need to fall on my face in the dirt on my own, I don't need that push.

I want to take off my training wheels for my life and ride the streets in my big girl wheels.

grrrrumble.

2007-12-17T18:05:00.001-08:00

So my last blog...I figured it out. It's a wonder thing we women call PMS. Fantastic. I just love being emotionaly unstable once a month.

In a funk

2007-12-16T17:08:00.000-08:00

Yep. That pretty much sums it up. I get to move home on Wednesday. I am soooooo excited! Well, kind of. I got all my stuff packed except the necessities. I have two days of classes left. I should be bouncing off the walls by now right? Not so much. I just ogt a new jeep...not so much new as used. I also got my first tattoo. wow a whole bunch of stuff! Still i feel a heavy cloud full with rain still hanging over my head. Though I am not exactly sure what s is as of yet. It could just be some raging dose of PMS. Maybe.

I can't wait to see Dave though. I went to Sonora on Saturday to help my dad fix up the Jeep I got. But because of stupid B.O.C I couldn't see the person I love after he just lost a family member. GRRRR. Maybe that's the cloud. Knowing that I could maybe comfort someone who is in need, but can't physically do it.

On the bright side. Two of my classes are over tomorrow. Speech and Math. I am a little sad about speech though. I'll miss the people in there. I am also all packed and ready to leave this shithole. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I get to say goodbye to conforming rules of Catholicism and is very weird restrictions! YES! No more will I feel like a loner in my own house! No longer will I have to deal with pressure of up holding the ideals that I don't believe in!

I will finally get to breathe! aahhhh.

Dancy dance

2007-11-30T23:37:00.001-08:00

I miss dancing regularly. poot. I miss the hip shaking, and lovely stretching....poot times 2. Beans and are going to be amazing with our duet..just gots ta get it going! yippee..dance! I can't until I move home..I need some lovely dancers to chat with, sip tea...or other sippable drinks. Maybe some fire...tasty fire. How I miss that too.

YAY!

2007-10-16T12:36:00.000-07:00

Ahhh I get to adventure home this weekend. Yay.

A spread thinner than butter.

2007-10-08T16:43:00.000-07:00

Why is it that when you aren't necessarily feeling to hot life seems to keep throwing stuff at you? For instance, yesterday was kind of one of those "eh" days that got worse as the day progressed. Then today I was told by my so-called English professor that our rough draft to our final paper is due Three weeks before the date on the syllabus. So now I have to finish that, the outline and a whole bunch of crap before November 5, Less than a month away. I also found out that it was pretty much useless to have a graphing calculator for my Algebra II class because I can't even use it on the tests, and I have a test on Wednesday instead of next Monday. Added to all of that I got to wait in a hot car while my dad and his wife shopped in the grocery store. Fan-fricken-tastic!

I do find it a little funny that my dad says that the budget is tight, yet he can go out to lunch and dinner on the weekends, buy new flat screen monitors, and spend money on him and his family. However I am living off of $20 a week to pay for coffee (because they don't drink coffee here and to get a small coffee pot is way out of the question), lunch (because god forbid that there was anything remotely healthy for lunch in this household), and any entertainment. So when I go home every two weeks I have something like $20 to use for my weekend at home with my boyfriend. Those times that I go to Belly dance class and give Amanda gas money I have $1 left in my wallet to spend, just like last weekend.Because I have this amount to work with I try to spend as little as I can and save what I can. Most of the time $20 a week is good enough, but when you have to spend money because of the inconsideration of others....that $20 is a thin spread. In Sonora I can make $20 last a long time because I can eat at home and have a healthy meal, plus my mom drinks coffee so there is a plus.

I miss having a job and feeling like I have a purpose. I hate to rely financially on other people, it drives me insane. My mom raised me to be financially independent and I could have never asked for a better lesson in life.

"Of Course She Is"

2007-09-30T11:01:00.000-07:00

Well. I thought everything was going rather smoothly. my mom talked to my dad and he has been laying of me for the week. This earlier this morning was rather pleasant, I woke to the sound of the garage door closing...so that means that actually went to church without me. Great! More sleep. Plus maybe they understand that I don't know where I am at spiritually. Then later this morning I over hear my sister tell my stepmom that I am going out to eat with them....and i heard, "Of course she is." It wasn't the loving...well yeah we wouldn't want it any other way...nope. It was the of course she will mooch off us and get a free meal when she can type of thing. After that I decided not to go...Why? Because I am tired of participating with a family who could give a shit about what I can hear them say and what I feel. Now I can't wait to move home. Only a little less than three months and I am outta here! I will take my last final on Thursday and get the HELL outta here. I am not saying that once I get home it will be easy street, but I will be happy to get back into my Routine. I don't think that my dad and I will have much of a relationship after I move, he got his chance when I moved here and he hasn't done anything with it. So it will really suck for him because he is paying for a college education for a daughter he never got to know because of his mistakes.

Negativity and tears.

2007-09-15T12:54:00.000-07:00

I hate it here. This seems to be the current theme in my blogs.

I have been crying all morning because I can't be myself here, my dad tries to use negative re-enforcement to get me to d the things he wants, and I am being pressured to conform and be a person that I don't want to be. I have no freedom here, none whatsoever. I have the freedom to go to school and come back to the house. I don't call it home because it doesn't feel like one.

I called my mom sobbing today. She talked to me as long as she could because she had to work. I am hoping that she sees I am truly hurting and suffering here. I just want to come home, and I really want to go to Columbia for the Spring Semester. I fell like I can't concentrate on my school work here because I have to do all the tings my family wants me to do here first. I can't concentrate at school because I miss my home, my friends, my mom, and most of all I miss the person who means more to me than anything on this earth.

If I could go back to Sonora I would make sure to finish get my AA in the two years and still transfer. I think by that time I will be ready to go on and move to Sonoma. maybe I can talk to my mom, I think that she will see where I am coming from. I just can't live here, I can't. I need more in my life than negativity and tears.

argh.

2007-09-09T00:00:00.000-07:00

So I had a really bad back spasm today. It still hurts and i did it at 2 something or other. This happened before..excpet i was in London..trying on pants...slightly awkward.

Even though I haven't been in Sacrameto for a month yet, I have pretty much decided that I don't like it here. I think that once i get my AA and transfer to a CSU I am NOT going to Sac State. I really don't want to spend more time here than need be. I am not saying that Sacramento is a bad place or people that like it here are dumb for doing so. I just don't like it here because I love where I come from. I like seeing natural trees and actual wilderness. So right now I may be looking at Sonoma State. I love that area alot, especially Sebastopol, Monte Rio, and Guerneville. They are all small towns and extremely beautiful.

I found out a few days ago my dad is not going to help me with Culinary school. This sucks because I was hoping for some help financially. So it looks like I am going to be in debt up to my eyeballs. What really stings is that my dad is paying for all of my sister's schooling, and i don't just mean college. He is already paying tuition for her school...catholic elementary school, he is going to pay for he high school....All girls Catholic high school, and they have to pay for all their books, and he will also pay for all her college education. Now i am hoping I am not being selfish but.....does 4=17 years? I don't think so....and it's all because I want to follow my dreams instead of his.

Trying to live

2007-09-04T17:17:00.000-07:00

So since my last post I have come to find that not much has changed. I am now going to Consumnes River and things haven't found themselves to be much better. This house still doesn't feel like home and my family still doesn't care.

I have been trying to find positive things to make things better but I haven't come up with much.

I always have that alone in a crowded room feeling. The only real feeling I got these past few weeks here was when I got to go home. People would say that I am not trying, but really I am. I have tried to connect with my Dad, but nothing ever seems to come from. I now just resent everything and wish for any kind of normality. I guess that sometimes I just feel that everyone has gotten so wrapped up in their own problems that they forget to see those who may be suffering around them. Some may say this is hypocritical of me, but in fact i have been trying to lend an ear or helpful hand to those that I think need it. In the past week I have offered advice or just an ear to listen to whatever has been going on in their lives.

Here I just feel unappreciated. I do things here that are small and minuscule but I received no word of thank or even acknowledgement for any of it. Not that i do certain things to get praise, but maybe once in a while a little note of thanks could be offered.

It's not that I need to meet friends in order to be happy here. I think that I need for my house here to fell like a home. I need to feel that I am actually wanted here. Most of the time I feel like I am a burden on my family, something they just have to put up with. Sometimes I feel like I am a burden on more people, like those I love. Maybe not, I may never know for sure.

Sometimes I feel like I may never make it out alive.

No control

2007-06-04T20:34:00.000-07:00

I am so tired of this. I hate feeling like this. By this I mean, resentment and regret. I really regret applying at Cosumnes River. not that it's not a great school, because it is. I don't want to go there because I will be leaving so mmany things behind, and going to a place that can never feel like home. Ever. My family there lacks every kind of emotion, regard of health, and compassion for others. This realizatoin has caosed me to be in a constant state of tears. My dad yelling at me, didn't help matters at all. lst night I couldn't talk to david because he was catching up on some sleep, that plus the empty hole i call my room over there, sent me straight into a melancholy state of mind. All i want is to have some ice cream to help my fever, and my boy to comfort me. I hate this, i hate feeling like I have no control.

A better may

2007-05-14T17:55:00.000-07:00

It's taken me a long time to get here. More time than I thouhgt. I have almost reach the state of being that I have been wanting for longer than I can remember.

I recieved an apology today. an actual one, not just something over the phone. Something real. It was nice. There is still some resentment and weirdness there, but until I can talk and tell jmes just what i felt, there will always be.

David has been nothing but amazing for the last few months. This apology and series of things changes nothing about how i feel about him. If nothing else, this has helped me love him more. I see how someone can be treated in a relationship, and David treats me better than I could ask for.

Now that he's meeting my parents I can breathe easier and be free. I can't wait for this new part of my life. There is much more. I can feel it.

it's taken me a long time to get here. it is worth the wait.

Amazing time

2007-04-09T18:38:00.000-07:00

So...this past month has been quite amazing. Dave has been amazing. He is so loving and caring and many other very good words I don't possibly have the time to mention. I can't believe we been dating for just two months...well two months tomorrow. every time i am around him, I feel happy. Real happiness isn't something I have felt in a really long time. After Ryan i didn't think it was possible. Not that becasue i was sooo happy with him*note sarcasm* He made me feel used and pretty much like the dirt on his shoes. So because Dave has been amazing, it just....so refreshing. He actually cares that i had a bad day, and actually wants me to feel better. yeah, not so much with Ryan. he made me feel even worse on a bad day. i didn't know i could feel so amazing ever becasue I have been so hurt. After ryan and what dumbass james did i was shocked I could feel again. I was so numb for so long. Dave makes me feel love and life, and just everything all over again. I swear I see colors brighter and hear music with more passion tha before. it's amazing how one person can make you feel so insignificant and useless...yet another can make you feel such hope, such happiness. I don't think he knows how amazing he really is. i don't think he knows the changes that he has made in me...but i do. others can see see it too. Then again he didn't see the wreck and the horrible crash my emoitons were. I love him, I never thought I would hear those words come out of my mouth again, but it happened. Thank God...or rather i should thank him.
Until next time.

All My Love,
Melissa

Click

2007-03-08T21:04:00.000-08:00

Well...I cut old ties and it feels good. Who knew one click of the mouse could be a big sigh of relief? every time i saw that picture or name it made me think of aweful times. Now i can look forward to my better, but busy, life. So life is busy but grand. once june is here life will be even better!!!!!! Graduation, no swimming, just work...it will be amazing. i hope to go camping. Ooo and in August a new tatoo. yay.

until next time

All my love,
melissa

Sigh of relief

2007-02-19T15:56:00.000-08:00

So..since my last post I have turned in my senior paper. what a bitch that was. my stupid internet didn't work....damn it. Anyway that's all done and I don't have to worry about it again for a little while.

otherwise life has probably been quite peachy.

i went to the Alma Melodiosa concert with Dave Kid on the 10th. It was really fun...minus the little kids running around everywhere. Dave kid and I are dating now...it kinda odd, only becasue i had a tiny thing for him since elementary school...but eh..I'm happy. he's really sweet, I mean really sweet...and funny. It's a lovely balance. yay..for me.

I got my belt from Thalisha...it's so perfect!!!! I love it...she did an amazing job!

Anyway, not too much going on except my fine boy!
until next time

All my love,
Melissa

Just breathe...

2007-02-06T15:53:00.000-08:00

So...well..I can feel the pressure of March and May and it hasn't even hit yet. I have so many overlapping things to do...especially belly Dancing and swimming. I have made the Choice to go to Tribal Fest instead of The Senior Picnic. I think I will have more fun at Tribal Fest anyway. The only thing is I have to book it home becasue Prom is the the same weekend. I hope it all works out in the end! I hope so much!!!

In other news...i think I have calmed down on the James thing. Finally....I am just trying to release. in with the good, out with the bad...

I think I need to tke some advice from Anna Nalick.."and breathe...just breathe."

I feel so overwhelmed...I need some time to kick back before all the chaos starts all over again.

until next time.

All My Love,
Melissa

It's the way that makes feel...

2007-01-29T18:32:00.000-08:00

Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about
That's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

She's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and
Her killer instinct tells her to beware of evil men
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love
Love

Pretty girl, pretty girl

Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out
You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you cry
It's the way
That he in your mind
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love
Love

gah stupid boys...can't they see what is in front of them? Can't they see what has been in front of them....something they truely want, something they always needed. But that is never enough...never enough. It's what you do to me that makes me hate you...it's what you do that makes me want you...even after all these years.

Sigh

2007-01-22T19:50:00.000-08:00

I just had a good cry..I feel somewhat better.

Gah!!!

2007-01-22T19:17:00.000-08:00

AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

I hate it...every time I that god damned car or guy I want to throw up. I was hurt so bad by that jerk!!! I hate what he did to me and his Girlfriend!!! By the way i had no idea he had one....that was a huge pain factor. So it's been a long time since i have actually seen him....even more time since that god awful incident. October actually. i ate what it does to me. he seemed so wonderful, I looked up to him...then he goes and does something horrible. Not only does it efect me..but a whole other person. Which I am sure she has no idea about. i'm sure all these feeling come back to me because it's getting closer to Valentine's Day. I never really had an interest in it...really I didn't. For some reason this year...at the mention of it I get depressed because I have been hurt some badly....so very badly. I hate feeling like I can never be who I was ever again. Never. I lost everything i had and now I have nothing but shame and scars to show for it. Not physical scars...emotional scars that are cut so deep...nothing will heal them. I wanted some things in my life to go so very differently. I gave my love to aomeone who couldn't take it....great...huge emotional cut. I had admiration for a huge man slut apparently...ok maybe not man slut but...still, his girlfriend is wonderful....now that I know who she is. I have keep a piece of mi have waitedy heart for another boy. Always I have had this piece for him....but...I have to wait longer than i already have to give it to him. This could possibly be forever. This piece will be saved forever, no guy will ever amount to him. Others see him and don't see the wonderful person i see. i could be wrong....like I always am....but he was always right about the guys i dated.

I feel like i am losing grip of everything. I have been on the verge of tears for weeks....I miss having control. But i ever really have any control. I feel like I am on the verge of letting go. I need something...I can't figure it out yet...but I need something. Maybe I'll start with a hug.

after new years

2007-01-06T18:10:00.000-08:00

Well...since the day after Christmas I have spun fire...real fire. I went to Brandi and Kevin's waited for Thalisha and Richard...twas a great night. ah, and we also joined by Tom. Fire dancing is really great! it was so much fun especially the actual fire part of it all. I love fire...always have. Now I havea new found love of it! yay!

New Years was...well interesting. I went to the secret santa party to do that and to spin fire. As it turns out....spinning fire there was a bust but that's ok because Sabrina and i ended up spinning at another small party. Later Bryant came over and we watched the ball drop, drank some bubbly, and watched some TV until like 2:30. It was a nice night.

Since then I have been working almmost everyday. It's been kicking my ass. I am sick...well I am on the mend. But seriously...it sucks...gah!

until next time

All my love,
Melissa

A note

2006-12-26T20:50:00.001-08:00

So Christmas....wow. What a day. woke up got ready in a half an hour...then left for my dad's. i got a pretty good haul.

$150 from my dad
beanie, scarf, glove set from stepmom
necklace, ornament, and $20 from my Tia Carolina
Two shirts from Abercrombie( I know mw...and Abercrombie...strange...I had the same reaction), alarm clock-ipod dock thing, dvd player of the smaller size, and some lovely candy from my mom.

So with the $150 I got poi wicks and fire fans.....quite lovely.

I had dinner with Bryant on Saturday....it was fun nothing beats chinese food and coffee. It was great minus the little bit of awkwardness....yeah..there was definately some awkwardness. I think it might have just been me...who knows.

I still want a tattoo...maybe a treble clef in bue real small on my right forearm. Music has been my life so there is nothing more perfect. i think this is what I want.

Fire dancing is coming along well, I should light soon. I am so excited! This is going to be amazing.

Work has been a slow lull in my social life....seriously.

Until next time my friends.

All my Love,

Melissa

hhmm...

2006-12-14T22:02:00.000-08:00

I want a tattoo..i don't know what of...but I want one damn it.

Christmas Spirit?

2006-12-10T17:18:00.000-08:00

As of tomorrow there is two days until Christmas. Yet I still have no christmas "spirit." I put up my Christmas tree, decorated it the works. But still....it doesn't feel like Christmas is in two weeks. I have had egg nog....watched elf....decorated the store and my house. I feel like i shut down. It seems like someone has pressed my off button. I've been so melancholy these past weeks and I can't say i don't know why I do....but it would be nice to have Christmas spirit...maybe?

Anyway...so today I got to take pictures for Photography in Old Columbia. It was pretty fun...Brian was my model and...he suprised me. he is one of the easiest people to photograph. That made my life so much easier. i went through two roles..if I had more i probabaly would have gone through those too. the light really worked with me right until the last few shots, but I think I got the shots I need. I miss hanging out with him...though there is still an uncomfortable distance between us...

I'm so ready for news years! After that I plan on changing up my life a little bit. i think I'll be a little more carefree with my social life, but work harder on school....that's kind of opposite I know..but that's how I want it to be...I want to dance more too.

Until I feel the need to ramble some more.

All My Love,
Melissa

Sorry for the ranting

2006-12-04T21:36:00.000-08:00

Fuck!!!! yep that's how I feel. I hate feeling like I try so hard and get nothing from it...maybe I shoud stop trying, give up. That's it maybe i should just stop. It didn't work before he left, what in my mind thinks I could make a better impression this time around. apparently I will always remain "the goody two-shoes." Little does he know....little does anyone fucking know. I have come out of my shell so much in these last four years. I have looked back on everything...I have really busted out. So it looks like the one thing I want....I can't have because I have a consideration for others....damn it!! I have always been there...just a phone call away. Though somehow I can never be given that. Hmm...isn't that how my life is? This guy would tell me all the things wrong with the guy I was dating at the time, and how they wouldn't treat me right...and so on blah, blah, blah. Well....it's funny that he never showed me what I should have. Weird huh? So he cares enough to tell me what I need a guy to do...and this and that...but doesn't care enough for me to show me? I call you on your BULLSHIT! Then later you convince me of something you never did deliver....maybe because I didn't sleep with you? You should know me better than that....come one now. Use your head...oops maybe you did...silly me. Anyway enough ranting for now...maybe i'll have a bettter week.

All My Love,
Melissa

A weird day

2006-11-30T18:27:00.000-08:00

Wow..today...that's just it wow. So today I get up on time..I know..amazing. So I get up and do my normal routine...then I remembered that I have to put my belly dance make-up on for photography...score! i love my belly dance make-up..it make me feel like a diffrernt person..like I can do anything. So I eaat a good home cooked breakfast..another weird occurance. So of to school....walking into the band room was as awkward as i thought it would be...sweet! Although trying to scamper off to photograpy unnoticed didn't happen. So I change into my costume..get all perdy-ed up. The photo session was fun!!! I like to pretend that I am someone important when I wear my belly dance stuff..it's a real esteem booster...haha just kidding. I go through the rest of the school day (with the make-up mind you)...with stupid uneducated people asking me:

Stupid person: "what's that thing on your forehead?"
Me: "It's a bindi...a hindu tradition...and we wear them for belly dancing...."

All the while I am thing...DUMBASS! didn't you take world history in like 6th grade? How fucking dumb do you feel...you abercrombie-wearing, bleached-blonde, son of a fucking bitch! However, being the smarter person..and knnowing it...I smiled and nodded.

Later I called brandi to see if I could come over to practice....I got kevin on the hone again..I feel bad everytime he answers, I always need to talk to brandi...ooops. Anyway..she said yes so.ther was the rest of my day planned...score.

After school..i called my mom to tell i need to go over to brandi's but she said no..she has better things than to take to mymentor's house for my Fucking Senior Exit project...FUCK!!! So then I call Shorty and we went to Camachos for Burritos...yum :) Then my mom calls me to tell me she bought a pizza...Double Fuck! Fine, whatever....I don't care. Oh well..I have myself a pleasent drink...lovely music...and got some compliments today..yay! There' only one thing that could make my day even tht much better...but I can't have my ckae and it too.....wait..hold on I have lemon cake so...umm...you can't always win..there that works better!

All My Love,
Melissa

You Don't Wear My Chains...

2006-11-28T18:29:00.000-08:00

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...

Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,

This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care,

She said

You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across

An open field,When flowers gaze at you...

they're not the only ones who cry

When they see you

You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care,

She said

You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

She said I think I'll go to Boston...

I think I'll start a new life,

I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,

I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,

I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...

I think I'll go to Boston,

I think that I'm just tired

I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...

I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,

I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice...

Boston... where no one knows my name...

-"Boston" by Augustana

Well, it's been a quiet few days....well excpet for the state of melancholy...there is something I want..I feel like I need...but for some reason...I feel like it's not within grasp. For a split second it was...it was pretty much in my lap...actually it was...quite litterally. I couldn't act on it..because apparently I do have morals...and I actually care for those around me...so I couldn't do the very thing i have wanted to do since 9th grade. Damn, am I that pathetic? Seriously I need to get out of this town and make something new of myself...but I know one person can hold me back if he wants to. He may not do it intentionally...but after I graduate..if he asks me to stay for some reason or another....I will be so torn. I need to change myself in a whole new way. Living here is not going to help because I will fall into the same pitfall. I love my friends here, but I need something more than I am getting.

In July I am moving to Sacramento. End of my life here. Sacramento will be my Boston....

There are few things left for me here...one thing I don't if I will ever have it....more like him.

However, I am looking forward to working with Brandi on my fire dancing. It's the one thing right now that gives me slight happiness....god sometimes I feel like what I am writing is emo...but I'm not honestly.

I have figured out this year that no matter who you give your heart to....you will always have a piece of it for yourself. after some relationships..that person will hand you back some of your heart..other will throw the rest of what came out of the emotional blender on your face. we all have to deal. Then there are times when you sit with your heart in your hands looking up into the grey sky ready for something more...and nothing but a plastic bag sweeps by you on the ground. my grey sky gets darker and rain is falling on my heart...but there is nothing I can cover it with. At least not today.

All My Love,
Melissa

This thing I call life...

2006-11-26T19:00:00.000-08:00

So..wow it's been a crazy year so far. I don't know what quite to do with myself. I have gone through so much emotionally within this year period. last november all I was concerned about was working enough to get everyone I could christmas gifts. Now...I don't have as many people to buy for..it's weird. I have dwindled my friends down to a small few that I actually care about. Belly dancing is one new passion in my life, I love it. i love the people i dance....the whole thing is just amazing! I recently came into contact with a friend that I had lost touch with for over a year. How things hae changed...for both of us. it seems as if we have both matured in diffrent ways. I think that now I am more of myself than I have ever been in my entire life. it's just a shame that it took two major heartbreaks, a loss of something precious, and a complete overhaul on this thing I call my life. To be able to find myself it took a huge crash of everything for things to finally click. The only thing is with this person I just came into contact with has me going tback to my old self and falling into habit. At this point i still am unsure and unable to function normally...hopefully this small slip will help the climb proceed with more vigor.

All My Love,
Melissa