Gah!!!

AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

I hate it...every time I that god damned car or guy I want to throw up. I was hurt so bad by that jerk!!! I hate what he did to me and his Girlfriend!!! By the way i had no idea he had one....that was a huge pain factor. So it's been a long time since i have actually seen him....even more time since that god awful incident. October actually. i ate what it does to me. he seemed so wonderful, I looked up to him...then he goes and does something horrible. Not only does it efect me..but a whole other person. Which I am sure she has no idea about. i'm sure all these feeling come back to me because it's getting closer to Valentine's Day. I never really had an interest in it...really I didn't. For some reason this year...at the mention of it I get depressed because I have been hurt some badly....so very badly. I hate feeling like I can never be who I was ever again. Never. I lost everything i had and now I have nothing but shame and scars to show for it. Not physical scars...emotional scars that are cut so deep...nothing will heal them. I wanted some things in my life to go so very differently. I gave my love to aomeone who couldn't take it....great...huge emotional cut. I had admiration for a huge man slut apparently...ok maybe not man slut but...still, his girlfriend is wonderful....now that I know who she is. I have keep a piece of mi have waitedy heart for another boy. Always I have had this piece for him....but...I have to wait longer than i already have to give it to him. This could possibly be forever. This piece will be saved forever, no guy will ever amount to him. Others see him and don't see the wonderful person i see. i could be wrong....like I always am....but he was always right about the guys i dated.

I feel like i am losing grip of everything. I have been on the verge of tears for weeks....I miss having control. But i ever really have any control. I feel like I am on the verge of letting go. I need something...I can't figure it out yet...but I need something. Maybe I'll start with a hug.